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Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Move On, Don't Hold On!

I have two sons.  I love them fiercely!  When I was pregnant with #1 Son, I wrapped my arms around My Guy and said:  "...this child of ours will know he's loved."  You see...I did not have that warm and fuzzy love growing up.  And I craved it.  When #2 Son entered the picture, #1 was purt-near perfect.  Our description was:  "He Could Do No Harm." 

I sure thought love conquered all.  But as life in the burbs rolled on, my treasured, precious, handsome, (preppy) sons ventured down Dark Paths.  I did not sign up for this.  I took it personally for a while.  My Guy and I lived quite the all-American life.  We had a cute home, cute kids and l-o-v-e was in the air.  What else do ya need? hindsight, I am thankful for these past seventeen ++ years.  I would not have the faith I have.  I wouldn't know the comfort a church home offers.  I would not have worked a program for co-dependency and discovered how freeing it is to be detached in an act of love.

I beg friends to participate in an exercise that changed/rocked my world.  List every single thing that's happened to you...that you wish had NOT...if you had been God.  My list was long.  I'll name just a few:

  1. Gut-wrenching "fight" between parents
  2. Parents divorce
  3. A move to Texas in 8th grade
  4. An alcoholic Mom
  5. Rush at college:  a BAD deal
  6. "Flunking" out of college
  7. Wrong choices 
  8. Bad - tough - mean bosses
  9. Mom dying of cancer
  10. Losing my Mimi of cancer
  11. My 19 year old's mental illness
  12. My 26 year old's wild lifestyle
  13. Jail for Prodigal
  14. Rehabs for Prodigals
  15. Psych hospitals for Prodigal
After completing this exhaustive list it was obvious WHY each of these happened.  As trite as it sounds, they have made me the person I am today.  I don't want pity.  This list (an idea by Russell Kelfer) gave me perspective, insight.

God's grace IS sufficient.  He erases, softens the ole memory banks so that I can look back without bitterness.  As if viewing a movie.  I need to learn from the past, accept it...but move on!  He HAS used each situation in my "now."  A perfect example is the day I physically wrote # 3 down on my list, I received a phone call.  A woman, new in town, with an 8th grade daughter needed help.  Her daughter was miserable.  She didn't know anyone----did I have an opening in an upcoming class (for girls?).  I hung up the phone, glanced at my list and thanked God that I knew what it was like to feel ugly, insecure, scared and lost in the 8th grade.

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose."  - Roman 8:28


I'm still waiting on #2 Son, but I'm not holding the past OR to busted dreams of what coulda or shoulda.  By the way - #1 Son is a love.  I love him, he loves me, he loves his Dad.  We've come a long way, the three of us.  We laugh at some escapades, we bemoan others.  We've moved on.  


Anonymous said...

I'm reading a book right now that is a companion to reading the Bible (Message)in a year. It's called "66 Love Letters" by Larry Crabb. Your tender chronology of your life "events" you wouldn't have let happened if you were God reminded me of something he said again on suffering. You are right how He alone transforms us IN our darkness to His Light and Abundance. Dr. Crabb reminds us that our sufferings are not without purpose--though we probably won't be aware of their eternal weight until The Eternal Party, and then--we won't care anyway! It won't matter compared to the joy we'll know.

Most of us carry the scars of our falls on the hard pavement of life. Suffering is part of the deal in this life even for, no, especially for believers.

We shouldn't be surprised when we still run into trouble. But it's all part of His story and it matters to Him--even when it won't matter to us anymore.

I love your heart and your vulnerability. It's what makes you so in tune to the Lord and His Will, my dear friend.
Love you, Annette

sewmuchwhimsy said...

Vava, I'm going to do this exercise. I really admire so much about you. xoxo Gretchen

Dianne said...

Va Love, you are quite amazing. I am honored to call you "friend".
xoxo Dianne